I read The Aamir Khan column in The Hindu [http://www.thehindu.com/opinion/columns/article3439626.ece] with mixed feelings. Some of it was plain good sense. But some of it was also dangerously superficial - dangerous because here was a person with tremendous influence specially on youngsters, and what he had to say was so much more trivial than what he left unsaid.
Yes, we can and must do without lavish weddings. We are a poor nation and cannot afford the splash we save all our lives to make on our children's wedding days. We need to take a bold and principled stand against ostentatious weddings. That's as far as wedding ceremonies go.
But marriage is something else. it is a partnership of two individuals - a very intense relationship. This is where I differ from Aamir Khan.
He asks: Who is the girl I'm marrying? Who is the boy I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with? Don't we want to know them as human beings? Understand his or her nature, value system? Are we on the same wavelength? Is there compatibility? Does he or she have a sense of humour? Is this the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? Instead of taking ample time to make this very crucial decision, very often, marriages are fixed after just one meeting. “Chalo baat pakki hogayi. Muh meetha karo.”
I agree that getting to know the other is a good idea. But to me, shared interests, same wavelength and sense of humour are not premises on which one can base a relationship. And as for the nature of a person, it reveals itself over time, a long time, and cannot be entirely assessed or even understood even if they spent a whole year in courtship.
And let's not forget that circumstances and experience shapes attitudes. People change. Some progress and others regress. The cheerful girl might turn perpetually cross and the glum boy might become the heart and soul of the party.
By assuming that the temperament or attitude of a person at 25 or 30 is a permanent fixture, one is not allowing any scope for emotional and mental growth of the person.
Aamir exhorts: Think about life ahead, not just that one day. Let's give marriage the importance it deserves — in every sense, financial, emotional, mental. Let's give it our time, emotions and energies to plan those years that lie ahead. Therefore, the key is the person you have chosen as your life partner. That is the only element you should be thinking of and no other. And please take your time over that decision. Understand, probe, check, go deep. The better you do this, the happier life is likely to be. Take the step of marrying only when you are fully satisfied about the character and temperament of the person you are marrying.
Standing on the threshold of life, with two decades of protected and dependent existence behind them, is a young person mentally equipped to understand another's nature and value systems after a few meetings? I am not arguing for arranged marriages. I do not believe that parents are wiser in choosing life partners for their children than their children themselves. I also do not believe that caste, complexion, bank balance and qualification are the criteria for choosing a spouse. But I also do not believe that shared interests, temperament, like-mindedness, good humour and good temperament of the proposed partner are the bedrock on which strong marriages are built, though if your partner has all of this or even some, your way is smooth and the relationship likely to endure.
Then what is? What can make one's marriage successful? Aamir says the key is the person you will choose as your life partner. I disagree. I believe that the key to a good marriage is primarily YOU.
It is the done thing in a consumerist society to ask yourself if the thing you choose for yourself is good and meets all YOUR requirements. The notion that the centre of your world is you and the whole world exists
to cater to you is paradoxically both an old and a post-modern idea. It dates back to the pre-Christian times of Ptolemy when it was believed that the earth - YOUR HOME- was at the centre of the universe and the sun, moon, stars and planets revolved around it. Though Galileo and Copernicus paid heavily to prove to the world that the sun and not the earth was at the centre of the universe, and other scientists have subsequently proved that our galaxy is just an invisible speck in the vastness of the cosmos and there is no reason for the human being to feel special, the old earth-centric worldview has not been wiped out. In a post-modern consumerist society it has only morphed into the even uglier ego-centric worldview.
Today we teach our children to ask, "What's in this for ME?"
Do we ever tell them, to borrow John F. Kennedy's famous words, ask not what others can do for you—ask what you can do for others.
It is not surprising then that even in a relationship that is both intense and intimate, we should be estimating others, finding them worthy or unworthy of us. Do they share our interests? Do they think our thoughts? Are they like us? Will they fit into our lives?
But who are we to do this? Have we turned this searchlight on ourselves at any time and found if these same qualities of good temperament, compassion, and good humour that we look for in others rest in us.
A good friend speaking of parenthood recently remarked that it was funny how we qualify, train and equip our youth for jobs, but not for something as momentous and life-changing as marriage and parenthood. Most of us stumble into these states in the course of living.
Obviously, the very thought of doing a short certificate course in parenthood or marriage seems ludicrous. And that's not what I mean. In an age when fast changing circumstances render role models redundant too bewilderingly soon, people have few models to emulate. So what then is preparedness for marriage? What would pave the way for a good marriage?
I believe that all young people need is a bit of introspection and reflection. Spend some time with yourself. Face yourself. Be honest with yourself.
Ask yourself what marriage means to you.
What do you hope this relationship does for you?
How important is it to you?
How much time and energy are you willing to invest to make it enriching for yourself and your companion?
How much of your identity are you willing to subsume in the common identity that marriage will bind you in?
How much space are you willing to give up to accommodate another in your life?
Talk to close friends to find out what they think of you. Talk to parents and trusted elders. Understand yourself before you try to understand and evaluate another.
While I am talking from the perspective of a religion-sanctified, socially sanctioned marriage tie, I believe this attitude will help any kind of serious man-woman relationship - be it a legally registered tie, or a live-in relationship.
Serious relationships cannot but affect the emotions of at least one, if not both the partners. After all, aren't you giving access to another to the deepest recesses of your living being. How can it not affect your mind, emotions and spirit? And therefore there is a responsibility and obligation on all of us to know what and how much one can contribute to the health of the relationship.
Which brings me back to Aamir Khan's article. The key to good relationships is what you are willing to take to the table. The danger in holding the partner as the key is that it will blind you to your own faults, weaknesses and unpreparedness. A life-partner [hopefully] is not a bottle of cola whose flavour, body and price can be compared to those of other brands. By all means look for a congenial partner. But not before knowing how congenial you are.
Yes, we can and must do without lavish weddings. We are a poor nation and cannot afford the splash we save all our lives to make on our children's wedding days. We need to take a bold and principled stand against ostentatious weddings. That's as far as wedding ceremonies go.
But marriage is something else. it is a partnership of two individuals - a very intense relationship. This is where I differ from Aamir Khan.
He asks: Who is the girl I'm marrying? Who is the boy I'm planning to spend the rest of my life with? Don't we want to know them as human beings? Understand his or her nature, value system? Are we on the same wavelength? Is there compatibility? Does he or she have a sense of humour? Is this the person with whom I want to spend the rest of my life? Instead of taking ample time to make this very crucial decision, very often, marriages are fixed after just one meeting. “Chalo baat pakki hogayi. Muh meetha karo.”
I agree that getting to know the other is a good idea. But to me, shared interests, same wavelength and sense of humour are not premises on which one can base a relationship. And as for the nature of a person, it reveals itself over time, a long time, and cannot be entirely assessed or even understood even if they spent a whole year in courtship.
And let's not forget that circumstances and experience shapes attitudes. People change. Some progress and others regress. The cheerful girl might turn perpetually cross and the glum boy might become the heart and soul of the party.
By assuming that the temperament or attitude of a person at 25 or 30 is a permanent fixture, one is not allowing any scope for emotional and mental growth of the person.
Aamir exhorts: Think about life ahead, not just that one day. Let's give marriage the importance it deserves — in every sense, financial, emotional, mental. Let's give it our time, emotions and energies to plan those years that lie ahead. Therefore, the key is the person you have chosen as your life partner. That is the only element you should be thinking of and no other. And please take your time over that decision. Understand, probe, check, go deep. The better you do this, the happier life is likely to be. Take the step of marrying only when you are fully satisfied about the character and temperament of the person you are marrying.
Standing on the threshold of life, with two decades of protected and dependent existence behind them, is a young person mentally equipped to understand another's nature and value systems after a few meetings? I am not arguing for arranged marriages. I do not believe that parents are wiser in choosing life partners for their children than their children themselves. I also do not believe that caste, complexion, bank balance and qualification are the criteria for choosing a spouse. But I also do not believe that shared interests, temperament, like-mindedness, good humour and good temperament of the proposed partner are the bedrock on which strong marriages are built, though if your partner has all of this or even some, your way is smooth and the relationship likely to endure.
Then what is? What can make one's marriage successful? Aamir says the key is the person you will choose as your life partner. I disagree. I believe that the key to a good marriage is primarily YOU.
It is the done thing in a consumerist society to ask yourself if the thing you choose for yourself is good and meets all YOUR requirements. The notion that the centre of your world is you and the whole world exists
to cater to you is paradoxically both an old and a post-modern idea. It dates back to the pre-Christian times of Ptolemy when it was believed that the earth - YOUR HOME- was at the centre of the universe and the sun, moon, stars and planets revolved around it. Though Galileo and Copernicus paid heavily to prove to the world that the sun and not the earth was at the centre of the universe, and other scientists have subsequently proved that our galaxy is just an invisible speck in the vastness of the cosmos and there is no reason for the human being to feel special, the old earth-centric worldview has not been wiped out. In a post-modern consumerist society it has only morphed into the even uglier ego-centric worldview.
Today we teach our children to ask, "What's in this for ME?"
Do we ever tell them, to borrow John F. Kennedy's famous words, ask not what others can do for you—ask what you can do for others.
It is not surprising then that even in a relationship that is both intense and intimate, we should be estimating others, finding them worthy or unworthy of us. Do they share our interests? Do they think our thoughts? Are they like us? Will they fit into our lives?
But who are we to do this? Have we turned this searchlight on ourselves at any time and found if these same qualities of good temperament, compassion, and good humour that we look for in others rest in us.
A good friend speaking of parenthood recently remarked that it was funny how we qualify, train and equip our youth for jobs, but not for something as momentous and life-changing as marriage and parenthood. Most of us stumble into these states in the course of living.
Obviously, the very thought of doing a short certificate course in parenthood or marriage seems ludicrous. And that's not what I mean. In an age when fast changing circumstances render role models redundant too bewilderingly soon, people have few models to emulate. So what then is preparedness for marriage? What would pave the way for a good marriage?
I believe that all young people need is a bit of introspection and reflection. Spend some time with yourself. Face yourself. Be honest with yourself.
Ask yourself what marriage means to you.
What do you hope this relationship does for you?
How important is it to you?
How much time and energy are you willing to invest to make it enriching for yourself and your companion?
How much of your identity are you willing to subsume in the common identity that marriage will bind you in?
How much space are you willing to give up to accommodate another in your life?
Talk to close friends to find out what they think of you. Talk to parents and trusted elders. Understand yourself before you try to understand and evaluate another.
While I am talking from the perspective of a religion-sanctified, socially sanctioned marriage tie, I believe this attitude will help any kind of serious man-woman relationship - be it a legally registered tie, or a live-in relationship.
Serious relationships cannot but affect the emotions of at least one, if not both the partners. After all, aren't you giving access to another to the deepest recesses of your living being. How can it not affect your mind, emotions and spirit? And therefore there is a responsibility and obligation on all of us to know what and how much one can contribute to the health of the relationship.
Which brings me back to Aamir Khan's article. The key to good relationships is what you are willing to take to the table. The danger in holding the partner as the key is that it will blind you to your own faults, weaknesses and unpreparedness. A life-partner [hopefully] is not a bottle of cola whose flavour, body and price can be compared to those of other brands. By all means look for a congenial partner. But not before knowing how congenial you are.
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